Revision

In order to revise my essay as a whole, I need to specify more of my ideas and expands the ideas to come across more clearly. I need to eliminate wordiness in my introduction and first paragraphs, I will either take out some words or combine ideas in separate sentences. I need to eliminate some uses of passive voice in my introduction paragraph by just changing the tense of the verbs. In the introduction I use the word 'you' a lot so I have to rearrange my sentences to avoid being too personal. I need to use different words to justify the meaning of my ideas. I generalize my ideas too much, in my second paragraph especially, so I need to delete sentences and/or be more specific with the point I want to make. I need to work on my introduction as a whole more and make it flow a little more being towards the end it's really rough. I need to eliminate any confusion on my conclusion as well and make it more specific.